Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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