I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
