she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
