I will die if light touches me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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