I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
