Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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