im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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