Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
