that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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