Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
