We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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