I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
