The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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