i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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