Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
