At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
is wine microwaveable?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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