Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
