I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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