He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
