All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
