The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
