ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
