If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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