I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
