she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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