Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My ATM looks so different sober.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
