either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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