you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
