I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
