Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
