i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
