"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
