I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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