Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
