I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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