She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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