1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
