I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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