My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
