WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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