Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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