I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
