shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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