I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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