We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
