Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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