ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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