he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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