God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm going to jail i love you
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
