he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
