She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
