I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
