I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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