Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And my parents said I crawled through the house
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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