My liver just broke up with me...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
