I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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