somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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