Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
