Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
