So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
