If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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