This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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