You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
