i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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