So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We have started to decorate penises.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
